The Good Humor ... Girl.

Hi. I’m Nobody, and I have a new toy.

Shiiiiny.

So who’s making ice cream? (I know I am.)

Grab a pot! A nice deep one.

And answer the phone. Three times. Also let your neighbour in to borrow a few eggs. And find the key to the shed for your uncle...

Once you’ve run everyone out of the house, get back to your ice cream.

But first. Lock the door, and unplug the phone.

You can never be too safe!

Here's the lineup.

I'm making diabetic-friendly ice cream today, so I'm using Splenda. A little less'll do ya!

(My salt shaker is also ugly...)

Pour in about ½ a cup of the sweet stuff.

If you’re using Splenda, try not to breathe in while you’re doing this.

I mean, unless you like inhaling airborne sucralose.

(Whatever flicks your switch!)

A dash of salt.

It helps here if you have a pair of slightly chubby, cute hands to help you out.

Wanna borrow mine? :D

In goes a cup and a half of milk.

(Pouring skills: superior.)

Now whisk it. Whisk it good!

Drop that pan on the stove and cook it until it steams.

The recipe instructs us to crack two whole eggs here, but…

I thought to myself, "Why not just use four egg yolks?"

Why, indeed.

Just be careful tempering them.

(Scrambled eggs have never really caught on in ice cream!)

They’ll need to cook 3 minutes or so.

When it’s done, you should have a really smooth, silky-looking pale-yellow-y type of liquid.

Swirl it around to get a feel for it. It’s an art, really.

Like ballet.

Pirouette, arabesque!

What form! What gra-…

Oops.

At this point, you’ll want to fish your spoon from the custard…

(And remind yourself that you didn’t miss your calling as a ballerina.)

Next, grab your cheesecloth and strain the custard.

(Yeah, mad pouring skills.)

Go ahead and refrigerate this. It needs to be cooled off for later.

Heck, YOU need to cool off.

I suggest a long nap near an air conditioner. It IS July, after all.

Fresh from your nap, grab these.

Yeahyeah, it’s artificial vanilla. I told you there weren’t no ‘fancy’ up in here.

Now, measure out that heavy cream. 1 ¾ cups of it.

I know you’re on a diet. It’s okay. Really.

Just make a sacrifice to the Ice Cream Gods. (Your waistline will do just fine.) It’s all good.

This is a TREAT, after all.

Pour in some vanilla.

Swirl it around, but hang on tight to that spoon!

We don’t need to be rescuin’ no more cutlery.

Grab your tub.

If you’re using a Hamilton Beach Ice Cream Maker, it’s a freeze and go type of affair.

Or if you have one of those rock salt and ice types...

Well, you're on your own there. :x

Plop ‘er down inside the uhn… outside. Thing. Yeah.

And pour in those liquid calories.

Mmm, delicious calories.

Click the cover into place and turn it on immediately!

Whew. That was hard work!

Since you’ve got a few minutes. (And you’ve already had your mid-afternoon nap.)

You have time to make a batch of THIS.

And you want to.

Trust me.

You really do.

In about 15 minutes, this is what my ice cream looked like.

It’s all creamy. And pale yellow. And vanilla-smell-y.

This is the point at which you can add things. Like candy. Or fruit. Or that batch of cookie dough.

When the machine starts backfiring and throwing itself into reverse, it‘s done.

So haul out the paddle.

And lick it off. (I won’t tell.)

The next few moments were a blur.

A delicious blur.

Old Fashioned Vanilla Ice Cream

Source: Owner's Manual, Hamilton Beach Ice Cream Maker

1 1/2 cups whole milk

3/4 cup granulated sugar (or 1/2 cup splenda)

1/8 tsp salt

2 whole eggs (or 4 egg yolks!)

1 3/4 cups whipping cream

1 tsp vanilla extract

1. In a heavy saucepan, combine sugar, salt and milk. Cook over medium heat, stirring occasionally unitl mixture is steaming. Reduce heat to low.

2. In a medium bowl, slightly beat eggs. (or yolks!) Slowly whisk half of the hot mixture into the eggs and pour back into the saucepan. Cook over medium-low heat until slightly thick, about 3 minutes. Remove from heat and refrigerate until chilled or overnight. (I suggest straining before refrigerating.)

3. When ready to make ice cream, stir heavy cream and vanilla into the chilled custard mixture.

4. Start ice cream maker and pour mixture through hole in lid. (Or don't read the instructions and do it like me... :x)

5. Churn for 20-40 minutes or until desired consistency.

Now, I'm going to be straight with you.

This wasn't the absolute best ice cream I've ever had.

It melted really fast at first... And then it froze rock solid. But the taste was good (despite the dreaded Splenda), and I did tamper with it, just a bit.

However.

I will tell you my next plan of attack.

It involves this, and this... and some of this.

And yeah. I ate all the cookie dough.

With a spoon.

It was delicious.

And I'm not sorry.

Nobody's Blueberry Pig Salad

Hi, I'm Nobody. And today I was hungry.

Really hungry. But I still took pictures. Just for you.

And now you can make a Blueberry Pig Salad too!

First, start off with these. Olive oil, Dijon mustard, black pepper, and lemon juice.

Before we go any further, I just want to say that mustard reminded me of Sunnybyrd.

A lot.

Also, my pepper shaker is ugly.

Moving on...

Take two tablespoons of Dijon. One of lemon juice and oil. And a dash of pepper. And whisk it all up with a fork. Looking good already!

Then you'll need two center cut pork chops, trimmed of fat. (This is where the pig comes in.)

Stab 'em with a fork (just to make sure they're done oinkin') and swish 'em around in the marinade.

Yeah, I said 'swish'. It helps if you say 'swish, swish' while doing it.

Really. Would I lie?

Take a frying pan. Any largish one will do. This is my scratched and battered nonstick pan. (I like to use metal tongs, oops.)

Set it over medium high heat and let it get hot.

Or you could heat up the grill... But I was lazy and ravenous, so I took the easy way out!





While the pan is heating, grab the rest of your salad. Spring mix salad greens, feta cheese, and fresh blueberries! Yum!

Also, it's okay to take dark, unattractive pictures. Especially when you're really hungry.




Measure out about two cups of greens for each plate. Or yanno, a big honkin' handful. Whatever!
I'm not here to judge. :x



That pan should be nice and hot, so slap those pork chops down. Fry them on each side for 1 min.
Then turn the heat down, cover the pan, and cook for another 2-3 minutes - until desired doneness.




Once they're cooked, set them on a cutting board and let them rest.

It's been a hard day! They need to relax a minute or two.

Meanwhile...

Grab these from your fridge!

Mix a few teaspoons of each in a dish. A little less of the lemon juice. Don't be too picky!


Do what feels right!


You should have about 1/4 cup.







And since you've been fooling with the dressing... And dodged a vacuum cleaner... And taken lots
and lots of pictures... Your pork chops should be rested enough to cut!


But first. I want to tell you something. I want to confide in you.


I want to come out and say...






I'm not fancy.


There ain't no engineered marble countertops, carved cherrywood cabinets or heated slate floors up in here.


There are, however, Tupperware containers.


And a saran wrap dispenser.


Now that we've gotten that out in the open, go ahead and slice up those chops!

And add them to your greens!

Next you'll want feta.

And blueberries. Mmmmm, blueberries.

Then take your dressing. And drizzle it over top. All of it.

And enjoy!

Nobody's Blueberry Pig Salad

Serves: 2

Marinade:

2 tbsp Dijon mustard

1 tbsp lemon juice

1 tbsp olive oil

1/4 tsp ground black pepper

2 center cut pork loin chops, trimmed of excess fat

Dressing:

3 tsp mayonnaise

3 tsp Dijon mustard

3 tsp honey

2 tsp lemon juice

4 cups spring mix salad greens

1/2 cup fresh blueberries

1/4 cup feta cheese, crumbled

In a medium bowl, whisk together 2 tbsp Dijon, 1 tbsp lemon juice, olive oil and black pepper. Trim pork chops of excess fat and add to marinade. Place a 10" skillet over med-high heat and allow to get hot. Add pork chops and fry for 1 minute on each side, lower heat, cover and continue cooking 2-3 minutes, or until desired doneness. Remove from pan to cutting board and allow to rest 2 minutes.

In a small bowl, combine mayonnaise, 3 tsp Dijon, honey and 2 tsp lemon juice. Whisk well, and set aside.

Portion 2 cups of salad greens for each plate. Slice pork chops in thin strips and divide between plates. Add half of blueberries and feta to each salad. Drizzle with dressing just before serving.

I think it almost looks good enough to eat.

What do you think?

Hi. I'm Nobody. And this...

Is my wall. (Ta-da!)

And my table, I suppose. But it's kind of a sidekick. A supporting act, if you will. (I crack myself up.)

But about my wall...

It's blue!

Well, most of the time...

You see, it's a magical wall.

A Technicolor Dream Wall.

And it makes anything in front of it look instantly delicious and fabulous.

Period.

You really should get one.

Because I love mine. <3